ir0ns3raph1m

It seems like I always start these posts with " It's been a minute " which is a clear indication that I don't post often as I'd like. ( refraining from saying "should" post; I do eventually get around to it and it's not like I have an audience waiting. It's both the cost and blessing of being direct. ) I'll just fucking get into it.

Firstly, lets get this out of the way. Tomorrow is Jess's birthday. It's fucked really. I don't remember most of my friends birthdays, my mother's ( in my defense, she has been deceased for 13 years ), or even other ex-girlfriends. I do remember her birthday.....and some years ago, this would be the part where I would describe her as the one that "ripped my heart out" yadda yadda bullshit. <I hurt myself with expectation.> After all that pain I put myself through, 2 and a half years over a relationship that barely lasted 10 months, those five words, explain, rationalize, helped me parse and heal. Thank you Rubee. Thank you Wren. Maybe it's a good thing I remember the day still, because it keeps the lesson fresh.

Still though; it does take a certain amount of willpower not to send her a picture of a blue waffle with the caption " Thinking of you on your birthday." Funny thing is, she'd probably be 3 parts disgusted and 1 part amused. To her credit, she always did have a fucked up sense of humor.

I will mention the phrase " <I hurt myself with expectation.> " also applies to the one person who introduced me to this site. I could be exceedingly mean right now, but honestly, it's still not worth my energy. This will do and should they read this....meh. Why are you here?

It's been eventful these few weeks. Gwen has been in and out the hospital again. Thankfully Heather and I seem to be on the same page about this incident. They're moving soon and I'm sure with Pauly being diagnosed
with vasculitis, they'll take me up on my offer to help. ( which I made months ago, when I was less busy ) Tristan did a header on his new E-bike and needed stiches on his chin. I love the kid, but he was driving me nuts in the er room waiting for his stitches.

...then there's my new friend. There's a lot I want to say about her, about this situation, and about my hopes and fears......that's probably going to be a post on it's own. I will say I'm 70/30. Hopeful but cautious.

Full moon personal ceremony went well. I feel I cut out and released a lot of energies that weren't serving me.

Trip to CoSM was great-had to red-eye my way back to Mass because my daughter and her mom were fighting. ( long story ) Will be going back next weekend to work their Halloween event.

Exhausted, but I feel somewhat fulfilled. I know that's a bit vague, but I'm far too sleepy to be detailed. More this week.

A brief moment with a self-proclaimed bastard -or- " Deep Thoughts " with Mazhar. (more fiction)
February 12th, 2024
In a dimly lit room at an undisclosed location., Mazhar Dogukan stands in contemplation amongst tables and chairs with elegant minimalist decor and finery. In his hand, a yellow heart shaped stone rests between his thumb and forefinger. His eye is locked on the painting hanging over the fireplace, flanked by two lit candles. It depicts a woman, with fierce gaze, eyes like dark honey, lips pursed, the natural pink in striking contrast to her olive skin. Her sharp features framed by thick. raven-colored locks with wisps of grey jutting out like lighning against a dark sky.. Her shoulders wrapped in a modest, but fine purple robe with a simple oval onyx pendant.

He stares with his usual feelings of lonliness, longing, and regret....and as he rubs the stone in his hand, a twinge of guilt. " How long is long enough? " he asks himself as he walks over to the fireplace and picks up the brass instrument and snuffs out the candles. It vaugely reminds him how quickly she was taken from him....but just as swiftly, he puts that out of his mind.

He slowly walks in the darkness, pale moonlight illuminating paintings of Ottoman soldiers fighting Greek rebels, marble buildings and temples, vineyards and olive trees. Nell's speech on love had an impact on him; coincidentally ( or maybe not coincidental at all ) it framed the evening perfectly. 'Bazı konularda anlattığından daha sezgiseldir.' he says internally, making a mental note. As he walks down the hall to the stairwell, he touches a painting of a very distinct looking French soldier, which does seem a bit out of place with the theme of the decor.

Atop the stairs, behind a heavy locked door, an office with a fine brown leather chair and cherry wood desk at the center, the far wall, mirrored glass that peers over the downstairs. A sofa, with matching brown leather sits at the opposite wall with what appears to be a painting, wrapped in canvas cloth. He walks to the painting and unties the rope and removes the cloth. Without delay he places it upon the wall near the door and walks back to the desk, sitting down in the chair.

He looks up from the dark at the painting, his hands laid flat upon desk. The man in the painting is wearing a snapback, newsboy style hat, fine suit and coat, with a green carnation on his lapel, standing in front of a black Duesenberg Model SSJ, circa 1930. His piercing eyes beam with pride and confidence; and his stance shows both stregnth and elegance. " Just as I remember you, old friend..." he says with a whisper.

The events of the evening flood his head, from his trip with his nephew Henry and the elder Tobias and the potential implications; to his "drink" with Erik and seemingly coming to an understanding of who he is and what he wants; his heartfelt conversation with Danika about our collective loss and pride in her newfound love which certainly brought a tear to his eye; an important conversation with Timothy and insight into a complicated but brilliant man; not to mention, his own proximity to a certain Ravnos who he still thinks is trouble....yet he is undeniably comfortable with said trouble."Kahretsin!" So much varied emotion in one evening. Things he has not felt in ages, nor ever thought he would allow himself to feel again. Then again, this is truly the longest he's been in one place since Tripolitsa....

He randomly recalls something his sire told him about the weight of the crown; " The true test of your nobility will not come from ruling a kingdom or how well you swing a sword. It will be how you carry the full weight of expectation, emotion, and ambition without sacrificing your honor. It will be understanding that service to your people is not the price of your crown, but it's blessing and gift. If you can learn these things with grace, you'll truly be a king in any land you walk upon"

He thought it nonsense at the time, "Surely the pursuit of power was it's own reward," he thought at the time. Yet years of "fixing" the problems of " great men " had shown him the horrid reality of that way of thinking; the damage it caused. Not to mention the work it took to erase the evidence. No. There was only one man he knew who remotely resembled what his sire described....and that man was gone. Far too soon.

*He looks up at the painting one more time, a blood tear welling up again "Buradan nereye gideceğim kardeşim?" He sits quietly, listening for an answer,. He leans back in his chair....sitting in the darkness. Begging the silence for a response.

*including this here as I think I'm going to delete myself off the other site; this particular post, however I have some additional commentary on ( which will be bracketed by the "*"-Tell me you have Discord without telling me you have Discord) *

For the lost
December 23rd, 2020

Echoes of silence bounce off the unseen corners of the limitless void; yet with the veil so thin, I know you've heard the whisper of my thoughts in between. I know you've felt my hand reaching into the cold deep to pull you into the light and warmth. You recoil, as experience taught that it will hurt. I persist, as I want your pain to subside.

I may not have your answer, but I intend to question your question; you think you're alone, but I already stand heel to heel at your back just waiting for you to turn around. Bleeding out at the thought that I am not the savior you expected; but taking solace that I can be the voice to remind you that you are your own liberator. That you have the strength to rise, stand, and fly towards the rising sun. That you are a goddess among the godless and you remain humble; and enamors me even more.

My opinions, however, hold no weight here and are merely a distraction. Bat an eye, and I could be gone tomorrow; It would not make what I can see, any less true. So resist, if you must. In time, your time will find you; and I will be there waiting with a smile, like an old friend.

* Wow. Looking back at this....it's funny. I wrote this specifically thinking about a specific person. Almost certain they never read it, yet it's strange how that person ended up asking me out and eventually dealing out one of the most brutal heartbreaks I've ever experienced. Damn, I really had a Gallahad complex. One can't go into a relationship expecting to heal another's wounds/damage; especially if they're unwilling to do the work. I wanted to repost this specifically to call myself out for being naive.....but at the same time, forgive myself for it. Clearly, looking back at this, I asked for that pain....and I got the lesson too. There's nothing wrong with loving someone deeply; but it needs to be someone who deserves it and returns it. I will say that I will not write so callously again. Words and intention have a power all their own. Clearly.*